Thursday, July 16th, 2009
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11:21 am - Her name was Hamsa
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There once was a disabled mother/with one child conceived another/and one year ago/had to let her go/but thanks God each day for the other
current mood:  present
current music: None
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Monday, July 13th, 2009
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11:55 pm - A Call to Mourning
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I burn messages into the screen, hoping pixel dust and ash will carry them to you before I sweep it clean. I cannot smudge a heartbreak nor mend a life once marred. I do not ask for you to heal me, only to be seen by someone who once held my heart and was there when it scarred.
Who will wear grief's mantle, cloaked o'er both our heads? A life of possibility blossoms from one dead. To hold both roads, to cup your hands and drink my grief and joy, I scan for any scant envoy but silence ill forbodes.
Yes I am my witness, appearing at each trial, but will you take the stand with me, weeping for a while my own forgiveness?
current mood:  mournful
current music: Room for the Life - Kate Bush
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Thursday, June 18th, 2009
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7:03 am - Weltliebe
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Sunday, June 14th, 2009
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8:59 am - Credo - My personal statement of belief
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CREDO
I believe in an infinite creative universe.
I believe the fact of existence, the inconceivable jump from 0 to 1, is evidence of its miraculous nature.
I believe that the fundamental subparticular force of matter is “intention”, that which endows all matter with a tendency to exist.
I believe that everything exists in one location-moment-being of space-time-identity.
I believe in the mergyeugnau, in which the universe celebrates itself through an endless process of differentiation into the many and reunion into the one.
I believe that entropy, electromagnetism, gravity and conservation of matter are mechanisms of this divine process.
I believe that the experience of individual identities within a context of linear time is the result of serial perceptions of individual locations within space-time-identity.
I believe that consciousness is the experience of intention within dynamic systems.
I believe that all systems from the quark on up are dynamic, only observable on different scales.
I believe that organisms are fractal arrangements of conscious units.
I believe an enlightened state of consciousness is the flickering existence of a happy fragment that embraces both the restrictions and specificity of its identity and its unity within the whole.
I believe attachment and suffering are a fundamental component of fully living this individual identity, and to seek to completely overcome them within in this life is to deny the miracles of love, creativity and compassion.
I believe that notions of justice, fairness, perfection, beauty, measurement, truth and meaning are infinite and are only relevant within a self-limited context.
I believe that the most valuable guiding principle is compassion, for oneself, for others, and as the loving acceptance of the self-limited context that we inhabit.
I believe that intuition is a complex sense whose mechanism we have yet to describe and that grace is empiric evidence of that which we take on faith.
current mood:  affirmative
current music: Credo, Nelson Mass - Haydn
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4:05 am - Iran Elections & Hopes for Peace
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current mood: praying
current music: Peace - Sweet Honey in the Rock
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Monday, June 8th, 2009
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10:26 am - Writer's Manifesto
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Today is my daughter's "blooming authors" party at school, where she will share her written opus with me. Accordingly, here is a piece on my own journey as a writer. This is a new revision of the piece I wrote for my executive self-summary in 2007.
( Writer’s Manifesto )
current mood: committed
current music: Manifest Destiny - MC Lars & ytcracker
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Sunday, June 7th, 2009
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12:52 pm - Let's try this again shall we?
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Monday, May 4th, 2009
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1:32 pm - 4/28/09-5/3/09 Tweets & brief update
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Happy Star Wars Day all - May the 4th be with you! I am trying to ride the wave of epic heroism to get things done, while simultaneously staying in bed as much as possible since my 6th rib has decided to go on a journey from its normal home into the territory of Argh. I am pleased as punch that I have been deemed witty enough in my responses to one of the Onion editors that he is now following me.:) In a minute I shall brave the wild wet of Bethesda to go to Fed Ex/Kinkos and fax in my IRA rollover info. I r old.
( 4/28/09 )
( 4/29/09 )
( 4/30/09 )
( 5/1/09 )
( 5/2/09 )
( 5/3/09 )
current mood:  determined
current music: Rebel Fanfare - John Williams
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Saturday, May 2nd, 2009
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1:40 am - The First Year of Sickness
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I have made this a public post because I know how helpful reading other people's experiences was for me when I was dealing with the fear and exhaustion of going through the diagnosis process. A separate friends-locked post will follow.
It started on the evening of April 30, 2008. I had a sudden gastrointestinal upset and was violently ill. The next morning I still felt dizzy and wiped out and went to the doctor. Although she gave me some antibiotics to fight the stomach bug that she thought it was I was concerned that in the previous nine months I had had an unusual number of infections ranging from sinusitis, bronchitis & laryngitis to a stomach ulcer and one in a nailbed. So we did a House style work-up and ruled out all kinds of immunocompromising conditions, including LUPUS.
( Six months of diagnostic fun abridged )
I was seen, tested and evaluated by a series of specialists, each one declaring me an enigma. At last when they had found nothing in repeat lab tests and blood cultures, and having ruled out a return of the brucellosis, I was diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue and Immunodeficiency Syndrome and Fibromyalgia in November 2008. By then my short-term disability policy at work had run out and we came to a mutual agreement for them to let me go, since it would likely be months before I could return. It was a great relief to be rid of the stress and to be able to focus on my recovery, and my mood improved (also helped by psych meds I started in September.) The new stresses I have faced though have been applying for long-term disability (and currently conducting an appeal of their denial), seeking out and applying for various social services, the full-time enterprise of finding and managing an extensive care team, and caring for myself and my daughter.
I will spare you the rest of the medical exposition, but for my own amusement I have pulled together the last year by the numbers.
( Behold the statistical wonders of being a multi-afflicted medical enigma behind the cut! )
I have lost a job, an income, a child, a partner, my physical ability and my independence. What I have gained is a fierce determination not to compromise my physical or mental health for anyone or anything again. I have proven anything I ever needed to prove in my career and in my personal life. I am now dedicated to the work of rebuilding myself, better, stronger and happier than I have ever been – I have the technology.
It will likely take another year or two for me to complete my physical rehab, but while I would very much like to get back to work I am also happy to have a universe-mandated psychospiritual sabbatical. In the meantime I am working multiple 12 step programs to overcome various unhealthy compulsions. As a result I have not smoked 3,000 cigarettes in 11 weeks, have lost 40 pounds (despite being largely sedentary) and came to a place of certainty that I am not crazy and can stop sabotaging myself.
Every day I wake up blessed to know that I have the strength within me to find joy and connection with the universe and my fellow beings. And while I am incapacitated I am learning to accept the dividends of all the love and generosity I have put out into the world and to let myself be cared for by one and all. I am no longer searching for a witness to my pain, for I am my own witness. I am no longer interested in martyring myself for another's salvation in a misguided hope that I will then be deemed worthy.
For, lo, I am a rock star and I will no longer make any apologies for my strength, my talents, my intelligence or my joy. I have wrapped up the past 20 years of pain and suffering with a bow and am ready to spend the next fifty manifesting like crazy. Thank you for being with me on the path. <3
current mood: satisfied
current music: Ain't Nothing Gonna Hold Me Down - Men at Work
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Tuesday, April 28th, 2009
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7:44 am - the daily tweet - 4/27/09
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15:06 Vanity+=Between the 40# I have lost, the too tight empire flowy dress I'm wearing, my radiating joy & the heat, I am turning heads all over. #
15:17 Vanity-=Guy who went 20 min out of his way to talk to me: "We're probably about the same age. I'm 38." Last year I got carded - for cigs.:/ #
16:22 Great interview RT with @margaretcho and @sarajbenincasa talk about Liz Phair, in a bathtub: www.youtube.com/watch?v=cboeNFmhRYY. #
19:48 The beginning of the end: "Mommy, would you like me to become an accordian player?" #
19:55 Rock the freak on! RT @Disaboom: Kyle Maynard, Man with Congenital Amputation to Make Debut as MMA Fighter tinyurl.com/caxg9s #
20:32 UNICEF's school-in-a-box ow.ly/4aos a better gift for mother's day than a dick-in-a-box bit.ly/aQx2Y #
23:44 The twitter conversation I'd most like to observe: Mark Twain, Oscar Wilde and Dorothy Parker. What would your twarp be? #twarp #
00:16 @SaraJBenincasa When I die I want to go to Pixar. #
current mood: vernal
current music: Rockin' Robin - Bobby Day
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Monday, April 27th, 2009
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9:21 am - 4/27/09 tweets (edited to fix links)
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Sampling these manually for the time being; although I know it can be done automatically, there is simply no branch logic that is an adequate substitute for split-second human judgment. Now I am off to see Z sing in her first in-school concert (!), followed by (surprise, surprise) a doctor's appointment.:)
- 09:38 Of course this comes 48 hrs after kid goes veggie: RT @artchique: @rainnwilson the cure for swine flu is bacon weave. bit.ly/81MCq
- 09:43 At least I got to know the love of bacon chocolate chip cookies FTW: bit.ly/yDzpX
- 10:04 Testing the magic of twitter...Here is a link to my CL ad looking for a new songwriting partner/keyboards in Bethesda: bit.ly/kXL4B
- 13:29 Voici - no longer protected. I like reciprocity in communication but would rather welcome in the world than shut out a few individuals. <3
current mood: schwitzing
current music: Walking on the Sun - Smashmouth
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Thursday, December 27th, 2007
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10:56 am - Rest in Peace Benazir Bhutto
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...for there will be none in Pakistan, as any pretensions of a valid democratic election in January go with you.
I will post happy holiday/travel things later, but I need a few moments of silence first.
current mood:  quiet
current music: Hymn of Peace - Oliver Wendell Holmes
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Thursday, December 20th, 2007
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9:06 pm - Down with the RPG (yeah they know me)
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Friday, December 14th, 2007
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8:25 am - Of -cides, arboreal and ginger
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They are cutting down another old tree on my street today. I had to run inside to get Zoë tissues while we watched from the bus stop. They could have trimmed the branches only, but apparently civilization demands nothing less than the pure repudiation of nature.
However I have no moral ground upon which to stand this week as I will likely be tried at the Hague for crimes committed against the ginger people and their civilization.
The Horrible Gingercide of 2007
Stalag 17
( Example of the brutal living conditions )
The Killing Fields
( Not for the faint of stomach )
Oh no!
( A national tragedy )
Please be sure to send me mail courtesy of the ICC.
current mood: atonement
current music: Cookie Jar - Jack Johnson
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Tuesday, December 11th, 2007
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7:07 am - So tell me, Part II
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Monday, December 10th, 2007
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9:49 pm - So tell me what you really think...
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I hadn't thought about Johari windows in along time, until ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) castalusoria posted a link in her journal. For those who are unfamiliar, you choose 5-6 adjectives to describe yourself from a set list of 55. Your friends then also pick 5-6 adjectives for you and you see how your self-image matches up with your perceived image. Mine can be found at http://kevan.org/johari?name=mergyeugnau. Please comment below if you set up one of your own to which you would like a response.
current mood: curiouser and curiouser
current music: If You Could Read My Mind - Gordon Lightfoot
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(8 comments | comment on this)
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Monday, December 3rd, 2007
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8:37 pm - Spontaneous meteorogenic archictectual improvements
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Such has been my day: "Alisa, can I call you back? I just walked in the no door."
According to the building's manager, only fragments remained strewn over the lawn. A new door shall be forthcoming in the morning. In the meantime I am humming to myself "I had a red door and I want it to be back."
current mood: bemused
current music: Windy - The Association
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Friday, November 30th, 2007
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8:12 am - Baby it's cold outside...
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I don't particularly trust the supposed impending resolution of instability in Pakistan. But today, Vladimir Putin gets the leading role in my nuclear nightmares. And tonight were gonna party like it's 1949...
current mood: concerned
current music: Every Day is Like Sunday - Morrissey
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Monday, October 22nd, 2007
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7:56 pm - Bitches and Hos - Uncut
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The most useful thing I learned in music history 201 was that you can often identify cultural trends by observing what people are legislating against. In that vein, every time I feel the backhand of a civil smackdown (as with defense of marriage amendments, etc.) I try to take it as evidence of hope that the times they are a-changing and that such enacted bigotries are the last hurrah of a terrified and increasingly failing majority trying to preserve the comfort of its formerly presumed hegemony.
Sometimes though, I just want to curl up with a bottle of wine and a Sweet Honey in the Rock CD and wish alternately for a new incarnation of MLK, Gandhi or Hothead Paisan.
For todays trends in misogyny:
"Don't worry your pretty little head dear; We don't need no stinking foreign badges. We had nothing to do with it and we've got everything covered."
"The incident was not terror related." I dunno, as a woman I find it equally predictable and terrifying.
Tired of only having a 1 in 4 chance of being abused? Move to Central or South America instead and more than double your odds!
(See the link at the end for the 1994 wonderfully well-intentioned and totally toothless Declaration des Droits des Femmes).
...and while I should be happy for things like this I am so freaking tired of being the marked category separate from the default of 'human'.
I am grappling so hard for the silver lining my fingers are raw and pulpy. What I will take from it is this:
- I will continually strive never to fall into complacency.
- I will pursue my newest and most fervent long-term ambition to help develop and promote the adoption of integrated peace & conflict resolution / tolerance / communications curricula for all educational levels.
- I will petition NOW, RAINN, Emily's List, HRC and the ACLU to start lobbying for rape and domestic abuse as hate crimes.
I will never give up, I will never surrender.
"In my heart, I think a woman has two choices: either she's a feminist or a masochist." —Gloria Steinem
current mood:  enraged
current music: Face Up and Sing - Ani DiFranco
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Thursday, June 28th, 2007
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7:38 am - Ah Youth...
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Yesterday everybody in my neighborhood fledged. As Z and I sat in the nearby park, baby sparrows came and joined us on the bench. This morning I got to see the offspring of my friends the mockingbirds, manically chirping and diving between poles and buildings. He also appears to have taken on a baby sparrow as a sidekick, who follows him around. The two engaged in about a minute of conversation on top of the building across the street.
Best of all were the three baby squirrels that were chasing each other around the telephone pole. Seeing the three of them skulking in a row across the wire in front of house was perhaps the cutest thing I have ever seen.
current mood: peaceful
current music: Oh Very Young - Cat Stevens
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